Archive for November, 2015

That one thing…

So…I don’t usually do this. Not sure why I feel this urge to do it, but I do, so I’ve learned to follow those urges as there could be, probably is, a reason beyond my understanding.  What you are about to read is my heart in its shattered state after a rare deep conversation with my son.  He and I had our “adventures” during his teenage years, but God has healed our relationship and now my ongoing prayer is for him as a young man to see the love of Jesus that is for him and with him.

That One Thing

11/24/15

Stark cold damp

Hues of gray the only color

Ashes and debris are the remnants of the landscape

Fallout

Darkness

Shattered pieces

Shattered all

Shattered everything.

Before, there was that one thing.

Just one small piece of

Good and right.

One small, infinitely small, shred of confidence

Of knowing

Of reassurance at a time when it was so scarce

That small piece was dusted off

Cleaned up

Shined up

And held closely and tightly.

And in that long ago time when everything exploded gradually

Painfully

In slow motion

Into chaos and confusion and overwhelming loss

It was then that I learned to cling to that one thing

Rubbing it between my fingers

To feel it and be reassured it was there.

That one thing

That I knew I would always have.

You just took that one thing

And calmly crushed it under foot

Telling me you didn’t blame me and not to feel bad.

What was small but visible

Cherished

Became blended into the dirt.

No longer visible or separate or different

Gone

Gone.

What I knew and longed for you to know

Gone.

I still know.

But now, that longing for you to know

Is a feral cry from the depths of my mother’s heart

With no thought or understanding or order or reason

Just crying out

Please, Please show him

Illuminate the lies.

Illuminate the Truth.

Please.

You think you weren’t given a chance to choose

My intent, my reasons, my goal for your good

I wanted to show you Truth so you would see

Truth.

At first sight.

You chose not to see

And you choose to see lack of choices as detrimental.

That one thing

That I cherished and remembered holding onto so tightly

When chaos and confusion reigned and swirled around me in increasing velocity

That one thing that when everything was failing I knew it had not

That one thing.

Gone with a few words.

Leaving me with empty hands and a heart overflowing with lingering sadness

Shifting and regrouping

Gathering hope and waiting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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