The Pretense

This is me and this is where I was recently. Still feeling the sting from the fallout.  And that’s OK.  It’s painful and brutal, but it’s OK because I am never alone.  And I’m working very hard to learn and grow.  Very slow forwards backwards progress.  But I suppose I get an E for effort, and I know God is very patient.

Maybe you’ve been here too. Maybe you’re here right now.

The pretense works sometimes.

I can do this. This is what other people do. Make a decision and know it’s the right one and stick by it.  And when the time comes to follow through I’ll know how to handle it.

This is a normal thing right? Other people do it all the time.  I can do it too.

But when I begin to move forward with confidence and certainty and trust – you know – just like other people…

That’s when the pretense breaks open to reveal the hollow cavernous lack of support underneath. The superficial veneer gives way with a sharp ear splitting crack, and it all falls apart.  It’s really ugly and destructive and loud.  I’m left with a deafening roar in my ears that echoes and reverberates in the emptiness.

And the loud whispers start again and I fight to silence them. And they say something like this – again:  “Remember? You aren’t like other people.  They’ve got this.  You so don’t.  Why would you ever think that this time would be any different?” 

And it’s only then that I see the obvious. The truth hides until I allow revelation to dawn. I have allowed myself to be driven by desperation and panic – again. Yes, again – a reoccurring theme. These forces of desperation and panic compel me to claw feverishly at the empty air. And I tell myself I’m at least doing something, when it really would be better if I did nothing.  But nothing seems so…lame, so I keep the forward motion going down this rocky dark path to defeat.

I’m reminded again of what I know:  Confidence and certainty and trust somehow don’t make it in my world.  Why?  Because for unknown reasons I deny their existence.  Why? Because I’m afraid.  Of what?  Of so many ways it could play out differently than what I intend. Of doing it wrong.  Of messing up a good thing.  Of being hurt again.  Of believing a lie again.  Of adversely affecting others.

 So I am not confident or certain and I don’t trust.

 I’m so weary of all this. I feel like I live in a constant state of questioning and indecision and exhaustion from analyzing and weighing options and creating future scenarios and wondering if I’ll ever do enough but it’s never enough.

And I know the answer. I must choose to be still and stop fighting and live based on the unconditional ever present love that engulfs the lies with searing flame while at the same time warming my soul gently with comfort and peace.  And then I can finally rest.

“Come to me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope. The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lam 3:21-23

“Be still, and know that I am God.” Ps 46:10a

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